Wishing the years away, while holding tightly to the now.

I don't do this often, but there are days, that have me wishing for the baby stage to be done and over with! I know, I know. Years down the road, I will regret these feelings. I will yearn to hold my babies one more time.  I can already envision myself gazing at pictures of my little babies with tears streaming down my face and a wobbly smile on my face, wishing for a sloppy wet baby kiss, or a gaze full of love and innocence naughtiness. Or for one more glimpse of a toddling baby coming at me full force to give me a hug. I know this, and yet, I still can't help but be excited over the many adventures we will have together, as a family of four, once my baby isn't a baby anymore.

I can already see it. Us vacationing up north, going for hikes, maybe even setting up a tent and camping out, if the weather is decent. Road-tripping out West. Going for long bike rides. Eating out at restaurants. Going to see cute PG or G-rated movies. All the things we can't really do now, because we have a ticking-time-bomb baby. Simon was just reaching that stage where we could do more with him, right before Miles was born. 3.5 years is a fun age. We took him out to eat, we even went to the discount theater with him a few times - I never thought kiddie movies could be so much fun! We went on longer walks and let him play at the park without having to hover. We just did more.

And then came Miles. Rambunctious, lovable, full-of-energy, Miles. He turned our world upside down and made us put on the breaks. I wasn't prepared for it, even though we had done it once before with big brother, Simon. Miles yells when he doesn't get his way, whines for attention, walks...nay, runs away whenever he gets the chance and has such a short attention span. Taking him out is usually a quick activity, with us turning blue from holding our breath, hoping he doesn't throw a baby-tantrum, or whine too loudly. I'm sure it's just a stage. But it's been a long stage and I'm so ready for a time where we can go out on family adventures that last longer than 20 minutes.

A couple of weeks ago, we took the boys over to Como Lakeside Pavilion. They have local orchestral bands that play there during the summer months. I had just been there with a friend a few nights before, and so I knew that it was not only fun and different, but family friendly. We decided to give it a try as the weather was unseasonably cool and comfortable and the prospect of being outside with my little family sounded nice. We arrived just before they started. We sat down near the back, off to the side (family safeville) and settled in for a fun night. Peter had retrieved Miles from the stroller and was holding him as the music started playing, "Pop Goes the Weasel". I glanced over and there he was, all snuggled up to his daddy, almost glaring. He looked so comfortable, but his face was another story. He was clearly nervous. He sat there for 10 whole minutes with hardly any expression on his face. I took quite a few pictures of him, because he was cracking me up. Where was the feisty little guy that could only sit still for 5 seconds?

                                                         

I finally couldn't deal with the cuteness any longer and reached out for him. He came willingly and snuggled in for another 5 minutes. My mamma's heart filled with gratitude for the special gift of snuggling with my 16 month old.

The spell was broken when Peter and Simon went off to find Ice Cream. But he stood contentedly, holding on to the chair in front of me, bopping to the music and woofing like a dog anytime he saw a puppy. The boys came back a few minutes later with ice cream, and the rest is a messy, sugary history. We left during the intermission, happy, sticky people. It's nights like these where I'm okay with putting the breaks on and just enjoying the now. The future will come soon enough with fun adventures of their own.

To my firstborn, on your fifth birthday...

Dear Simon,
It's 11:37pm (CST) on a stormy and muggy August 6th Tuesday evening, and you're officially five years old. Half a decade. You're growing up so fast. I have tears brimming in my eyes, threatening to spill down my face just thinking about you as a baby and now as a big boy. Happy tears, mind you. I remember with clarity (with some fogginess thrown in) the day you were born. I was in so much pain and yet I couldn't wait to see you. I couldn't wait to hold you for the first time. I hadn't held a baby in so long and I found myself wondering if I would be good at it. If I would be a good mother. Would you like me? Would I be able to comfort you when you cried. Would you love me? After hours of hard labor and pushing, you were placed in my arms for the first time. You barely made a sound. Your eyes were open though and you were staring at me. Your Grandma swears that you smiled at me just minutes after you were born. I remember so clearly your big murky eyes staring at me, with a look of love and contentment in them. You were such an easy baby and I remember getting excited when you would cry after we brought you home, because 1) you rarely cried and 2) you had such a cute baby cry. This excitement did not last long. ;)

You've been my favorite blonde-haired, blue/green-eyed little buddy. You don't play favorites when it comes to your dad and me. You love us the same and enjoy doing various activities with both of us. Really, anyone who's up for playing with you is your best friend, no matter their age, size, color or gender. I love that about you. You are a lover of people and only see the good in them. Your heart is HUGE and you enjoy making people laugh and happy. If people are sad or acting up, you notice and you become discouraged and confused.

You've grown so much since your little brother came into the world. You've learned to share, care and love in ways that only a sibling could teach. You adore your baby brother, and he adores you too. I enjoy watching the two of you interact together and my momma's heart oftentimes overflows with gratitude for the bond that you two share. Nobody can make you laugh like Miles and nobody can make Miles laugh like you. I think that's special.

I've never met a kid like you before. You're active, rambunctious, caring, obedient, considerate, gentle and a bundle of adorable weirdness. You make me laugh like no other. Your jokes are way lame, but the laughter that ensues after you tell them makes up for the lameness.

So much has changed since you came into this world. When you were first born, you were our everything. You were the first grandchild on both sides, you were the first baby in my life since my little sister was born, back in 2000. You brightened up so many people's lives by your presence. Since then, you've been joined by 3 girl-cousins, a baby brother, and two more (boy!) cousins on the way! You are no longer the only grandchild/child. And yet, you will forever hold a special place in my heart as my firstborn. You have a lot of responsibility being the oldest in the family of cousins and in your own family. And yet, you show love to the younger ones and enjoy playing with them whenever you get the chance. You have been a wonderful example of gentleness, kindness and love (with a touch of bossiness thrown in). Oh, and a little bit of that adorable-weirdness too. ;)

I'm honored that you want to marry me. Thrilled that you want to be big like daddy, happy that you enjoy being around both sides of our family. In awe of how you watch out for your little brother. Slightly embarrassed that you can beat both daddy and me at Wii bowling. I love a good challenge. I admire the fact that you can can navigate around town already (you like to tell daddy where to turn if we're going somewhere exciting - like the library), as well as navigating the TV, DVD player, Wii, tablet, iPhones and pretty much any electronic device that's put in front of you or in your lap.

You potty-trained so well (except for the pooping part - that was a hard thing to master - pun intended). Potty-training was one of the things I was dreading as a mother. But, after a rough first few days, you surprised me by taking off with it. I can count on one hand the accidents you've had since that Fall of 2011. And you've NEVER peed in your bed (I will forever sing your praises about that - I seriously was not looking forward to the middle-of-the-night changing of bedding, or you waking up stinky. THANK YOU SIMON!).

You're learning to read and it's fascinating seeing how you can sound out letters and create a word that only a few seconds ago you didn't know. Your mind is a great big sponge and I look forward to the days ahead where you can read stories to your little brother. I hope you like books as much as I did growing up.

Our dinner conversations are a highlight of the day for me. You are always coming up with funny things to say and funny stories to tell your dad at the dinner table.  No matter the time of day you're always coming up with something funny to say.  I've started keeping track of them on my phone and It's always a fun time re-reading them.

Me: Simon, don't lick your hands - wash them in the sink. 
Simon: But, but, but!
Me: Simon, no buts.
Simon: I'm not talking about my back butt!

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
Simon: A daddy.

Simon: Hey mom, I think I want 15 children.
Me: 15?! When you're married?
Simon: Yes.
Me: What's your wife going to say about that?
Simon: Um, that's weird.
Me. Who's your wife going to be?
Simon: Um....you.

Peter: I love my wife.
Simon: I love my wife too.
Me: What's your wife's name?
Simon: Mom

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Simon: Um, let me think. Um...I want to be like daddy. I can go poop every single day.

Me: How are your beans?
Simon: Not perfect. I don't like beans.

Simon: Simon going to get bigger, bigger, bigger! Poop on the potty and sleep in mommy and daddy's bed.

Simon: Mmm, bacon really good!
Me: Do you like your carrots too?
Simon: I like bacon, Mario Kart and candy.

Simon: Is heaven up in the sky?
Me: Um, well...hmm...sure.
Simon: Oh. I don't like flying. Is Jesus going to be careful when He comes to get us? (yep, he's afraid of heights).

You are such a boy. You make a disgusted face when you see two people kissing, or when somebody mentions princesses. You are all about Superheros, and Batman and Star Wars. You love ACTION - fight scenes in movies are your favorite - before we know it, you're off of the couch fighting alongside the TV beating up all the bad guys (the 1966 Batman movie is one of your faves!).  While you do like action scenes, you're a little squeamish when it comes to blood and suffering. You don't watch shows that involve blood or intense violence, but you do read about it in watered-down stories in your little bible, and it makes you sad. This past Easter was a hard time for you and yet I saw so much growth. You have such a tender heart. On Sunday you had a hard time with communion as the pastor was talking about Jesus' body breaking. You didn't like that at all. It's hard trying to explain the Lord's suffering to you, and yet it's such a joy when you ask deep and personable questions about Jesus, and what it means to become a follower of Him. You're excited about heaven and I'm excited that you get to live there for eternity.

I could write so much more and post a thousand more pictures, but for now, I'll sign off. I love you so much, my little Simonbaby. My Si-Si. My firstborn boy, My Si.  Happy Birthday, Simon James.

We all have dreams... {home edition}

Have you been following Emily's 20 days of Summer Giveaway posts? I have. I probably shouldn't though as I'm inspired OUT OF MY MIND to redecorate and spend tons of money and time on our house. I'm not satisfied with our home decor. It could be WAY worse. But it could be better too. I keep reminding myself to give it time. We've only been in this house for a couple years now and once both boys are bigger and we're out of the baby-phase, we can start doing more with the house.

Currently, our living room is filled with toys, a much-loved (read: stained) couch and dark furniture, woodwork and blinds. For now it works, but someday I would LOVE to brighten it up and not have so many toys laying around. I would also LOVE to have a toy room. You know, a room designated for toys. I've heard that they exist. Someday this will become a reality.

See what I mean? So dark.

Hello toys and clutter.

This toy room is too cool. I adore Land of Nod and so naturally I adore this toy room.

Via 6th Street Design School

Maybe we can clear out part of our (unfinished) basement and set aside a little nook for the boys. Right next to my husbands dream workspace.

We all have dreams.

I've always had a dream where I would have a craft room/office/girly room. That dream has only gotten bigger as I've had boys. I NEED a girly room where I can get away from the trucks, balls, batman+star wars toys and masculine colors. A room where I can accessorize with florals, fabrics and throw pillows.  The only problem is our house is tiny and the "spare bedroom" is currently our storage room...and we need a storage room. We also need a spare bedroom for overnight guests. So my goal is to try and keep the storage room, but incorporate a crafty girly-office space for me...with maybe a daybed/couch for the overnight guests. IDK. Still thinking dreaming.

1. Via Tatertotsandjello

3. Via lollyjane

2. Via Tipsy Tessie - Flickr 

4. Via Inspired-Design Tumblr

5. Via Better Homes and Gardens

6. Via Pinterest

The boys love hanging out upstairs, but only when I'm up there too. They just need to have someone up there with them, I don't know why...to feel secure and safe? I usually don't have anything to do up there, so if I were to have a crafty-room, that would be a wonderful added excuse for me to hang out upstairs with my little men-folk.

So, my {top} three goals for this house are:
1) To re-think the living room. Bring in some fun features, try and lighten up the room, gradually move the toys downstairs/upstairs....
2) Turn our spare bedroom into a fun spot for me to hang out in and let out my creative juices flow...while being upstairs with the boys
3) Make the boys {tiny} bedroom into a FUN and colorful and creative place to be...so that we can hang out upstairs more.

Via My Home Ideas

Via I heart Organizing

 Via Apartment Therapy

^^The boys have a closet just like this - only with a slanted ceiling. Right now it's full of baby/seasonal storage stuff. Someday, I'm going to paint it a cheery color and make it into a little reading nook. Only, unlike this pic - it's going to be all boy. :)

Once Miles is out of his {huge} crib, and into the bunkbed that he'll share with his big brother, I foresee my dreams coming true. Maybe another year or so. I need to start collecting ideas, start setting aside money and not twirl my thumbs so much. It'll happen, I know it will!

Paranoid much?

It's so nice to have my health back. I feel like a new person. My energy level is back to normal and I'm sleeping through the night. My house is slowly, but surely coming back into order. I'm still paranoid about getting the flu and even though it's been SO nice to be out and about, as soon as I get home I wash my hands and pray that we didn't pick anything up. I don't think I would be this paranoid if we hadn't gone through 3 weeks of hell...I mean sickness. I can't imagine adding the flu to the mix. Please God, protect us! 

On Saturday, my husband gifted me an afternoon to myself at the mall. I was so excited. I had been housebound for such a long time. I enjoyed being able to shop the awesome new year clearance, take my time and try on clothes without having to hurry, hurry, hurry. I scored some amazing deals. But, as soon as I got home, I plopped my loot on the floor and went up and took a shower, throwing the clothes I wore to the mall in the hamper. Yep, paranoid is the correct word to describe me. Yesterday we went to Walmart. Enough said. And today Miles had his 9 month checkup at the clinic (only a few weeks late). Again, enough said. Germs are everywhere and I'm slowly but surely coming around to the mindset of being okay with that. Praying and trusting. Praying and trusting. That's all I can do. Well, that and washing hands, taking vitamins and boosting our immune systems. It's all good.

I miss my friends and family. The ones far from us and the ones near. Keeping our distance while being sick has been so hard. We've missed out on a lot and had to cancel quite a few activities - including 2 date nights to go see The Hobbit. I will see that movie in the theater...I will! Curse of The Hobbit. Hopefully this will be the week we can resume regular living. I'm hoping so.

So yes, no rhyme or reason for this post, only to say that it's good to be back. I'm grateful for health and I'm looking forward to this week. Now if only it would warm up outside. I'm kinda over negative digits - isn't it Springtime yet?! No? Harumph.

P.S.
Lately, I've been in the shopping....and selling mode. I'm loving Poshmark. Such a convenient way to shop and sell. Here's a link for you to take a peek or follow my closet. Happy shopping!

{Teething}

It's been a cranky couple of weeks for us. Miles started teething again, and is now sporting two bottom teeth. Poor child. Poor mama. This is his second go around at teething. Although, he doesn't have anything to show for his first, which I'm actually glad about. At 7 weeks (weeks!!!), I spotted 2 white dots on the right side of his gums, I rubbed my finger along his gum thinking the white spots was just leftover milk residue. To my shock - and horror - the spots were sharp. By 8 weeks, there was no denying the fact that they were teeth. Thankfully we had Miles' 8 week dr. appointment and I was able to ask his doctor about them. He said that they were indeed teeth and that we would just have to keep an eye on them. If they continuted to come out through the side (instead of coming through the bottom of the gums like they're supposed to), they might have to be extracted. GAH! I was so horrified and not looking forward to having a baby sporting teeth coming out of the sides of his mouth. Thankfully a couple of weeks later, after incredible pain and discomfort (runny nose, lack of appetite, cranky, restless sleeping, etc.) the white spots started to go away, the teeth decided to go back in. All of that teething pain for nothing. Poor kid. Poor Mama.

2 weeks later, round two of teething. This has been the roughest 4 weeks of my mommy-life. I thought I was going to go crazy. It didn't help that on top of my 2 crazy kids, I watched a bunch of other kids too. I started to wonder if my life would ever get back to normal. I actually started to forget what normal was. Miles was no longer my chill laid-back baby. He wailed, he cried, he fussed, he woke up multiple times a night, he was hardly ever happy.  I remember being super excited when he was happy for a full 5 minutes, being filled with hope that maybe the worst was behind us and that he was getting better, only to be disappointed once the crying started up again. At the beginning of this notsofun adventure, I wasn't sure what was going on. I was relieved to finally see proof that he was indeed teething. It gave me hope that this was just a teething phase, that once they popped through, he would be back to his old smiley self.

Thankfully, he has been much happier, and I have too. It's kind of dumb how circumstances dictate how I feel and how I deal with things. It's also dumb at how rattled I get when the kids are crabby. I'm the adult, I should be able to handle tears and loud crying. But I can't - at least not for extended periods of times. I keep reminding myself that this is what happens when I'm sleep deprived. I'm not 100% myself. I'm low in energy and patience...and love. As much as I want this phase to be over with, I know 6 months from now, I'll look back on my baby's life and wonder where his babyhood went. It goes by so quickly. While I might not love the yawns, tears and frustrations that come with being a mom, I do love the baby that makes me a mom. We'll get through this babyMiles...together. xoxo

Miles sporting his 2 bottom teeth at 16 weeks.

Groundhog day, pregnancy edition.

The surprise of going 'any day now' has officially worn off. 2.5 weeks of anticipating, hoping and being disappointed as each morning comes around is getting old. I wish they hadn't told me that. :p Yet another week has rolled around. Another laundry day, another day of cleaning (trying to keep the house organized and clean for when the big day/night comes around), another grocery trip, another weekend with my boys, another Sunday at church. Another week of packed bags laying around freezer meals waiting to be eaten...

Peter's boss was so kind and gave Peter Friday off. It was nice spending a 3-day weekend with him...I think we both needed a break from normality. Simon really enjoyed it too. He's been such a daddy's boy lately. It's pretty cute watching Peter's little shadow following him around...and hearing him say, no no mommy, daddy do it. Yesterday was my last Sunday volunteering in the nursery. I came home completely exhausted. I really thought that I would go into labor after all of that stress (fussy and crying toddlers, bending over/squatting to pick up kids/toys, feeling ohsotired...), but no, nothing. If that didn't put me into labor, I don't know what will. ;)

I woke up this morning kind of depressed.  I feel like I'm reliving the same day over and over again. Groundhog day, pregnancy edition. I'm so over the acid reflux - it's the worst at night (I can't seem to eat anything that agrees with me), being out of breath, the uncomfortable sleeping positions, not being able to do the simple things without being uncomfortable (bending over to unload the dishwasher, leaning over the sink to wash my face, lifting heavy laundry baskets...). I also feel like I'm overdue, which is crazy seeing that I still have another 8 days until I reach my official due date. This pregnancy seems WAY longer than Simon's felt.  But the worst feeling is that I feel like my body is stalling. I felt more contractions at week 34 than I have at week 38. Isn't that backwards? Shouldn't I be more uncomfortable now, then I was then? Baby Miles is still quite active, which I'm thankful for  It hurts and I'm often uncomfortable due to his frequent and quite forceful movements, but I count each of those movements as a blessing, knowing that it's a sign that he's thriving...although thinking about how big he's getting is starting to frighten me a bit. :p

Ah, it feels good to unload on this blog of mine. Sorry for the whiny post. I'm tired of hearing myself whine too. Hopefully the next post will be full of baby pictures of my precious Miles.


Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD. Psalm 27:14


The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. - Lamentations 3:25


Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. - Psalm 62:5

Things I'm thankful for:

• An all-sufficient Grace for which I do not deserve and promises from the Word of God that feed and sustain me.
• A husband who puts up with my whining and pampers me when I'm feeling especially uncomfortable.
• A son who is full of love and everything precious. He's been so sweet and adorable lately.
• Friends who care about me and check in to make sure I'm doing okay.
• Sleeping well at night (even if it's uncomfortable at times).
• Still fitting into a couple pairs of regular jeans.
• Having enough time to feel prepared and not feeling rushed/surprised.
• Gifts from family and friends. I feel so blessed.

The latest gift, created by my sweet SIL, Jackie. Whenever I see it, I smile. 

Surprise!!!

It's a quiet morning here at the house. Simon begged me to sit with him on the couch as he watched Super Why, and so here I am with my feet up and my fingers flying across the keyboard as the sunshine kisses my face. 

Last week I had a couple of surprises. I love surprises and in truth it's hard to genuinely surprise me. So when it happens, it's a big deal. 

Thursday, I went in for my 36 week checkup. I came out of my checkup in shock and awe. After examining me, my midwife informed me that I could go any day...90% effaced and the baby is in the right position, with his head engaged.  My body has been hard at work and I'm ready to go! I wasn't expecting that. I've gone back and forth throughout this 3rd trimester. Part of me thought I would go early (I've thought this from the very beginning). I think partly because I started showing/feeling the baby move so early on and partly because I started having contractions at week 30. It turns out those contractions have indeed been doing something. The other part of me had this fear of going over. This fear didn't come from my mom going 4 weeks over with her first 4, but rather since I've been pregnant, I've had a few friends that have gone over. Seeing them go through the waiting process has made me realize how difficult that would be for me. I SO yearn to hold my baby.  Anyway, hearing that news on Thursday really lifted my spirits. I'm hoping that my body waits until the beginning of March (March 3rd would be fabulous!) to go into labor.  That's weird for me to type out as I can hardly wait to hold my baby. I mostly want to wait for silly reasons (my fascination and history with the number 3), but also because it would be less stressful on my husband's work schedule. We'll see. March 13th is my official due date.

Saturday, we had plans to go over to Matt (Peter's brother) and Jackie's house for dinner and a movie. We were all excited to see them and to hang out. Simon was especially excited to see his little cousin, Penny. As the time drew nearer, I started to get tired. I decided to get comfortable, slip on some comfy m-pants (gross) and some slip-on shoes over my SmartWools (again, gross). I also put on my glasses and didn't even bother to spruce up my face. Anyway, I felt like being comfy...and why not? Dinner and a kid movie with family = perfect time for casual wear...right? Wrong. Haha. I walked into their house only to find Peter's entire family standing in the living room shouting out SURPRISE!! It took me a minute to realize that everyone was there and that they were there to celebrate my little baby.

I had no clue. I looked over at Peter and immediately noticed his big grin. He had been in on the secret all along. As I was taking my jacket off, Jackie spoke up and told me to keep it on. All of the girls were taking me out to eat while the guys stayed back with the kiddoes. At that moment I realized what I was wearing and suddenly felt self-conscience of my lack of style. :P I mean really? The one evening I go out in yucky m-pants, flats/bulky socks and glasses. Haha! Peter offered to drive me home to change, but I declined.  Everyone assured me I looked great (thank goodness I was wearing a black shirt - that kind of dressed me up a bit...lol!).  On the way over to the restaurant snippets of conversations that I had with Peter during the day came back to me. "what are you planning on wearing tonight?" "You're taking your contacts out?" "Oh, you're changing clothes?" "You're not wearing your boots?". lol, if it wasn't for how tired I was feeling, I probably would have noticed his unusual interest in my wardrobe/appearance.

The girls were so sweet and treated me out to a fabulous dinner at Pazzaluna in downtown Saint Paul. Such a beautiful place and the food is amazing!

We went back to the house and had delicious (owl!) cupcakes (thanks Beth!!) and yummy snacks/drinks. I also opened up pressies for Miles - such a generous family I have. A special thank you to Jackie for coming up with this amazing surprise. I'm still in shock. ;)

Aren't these the cutest cupcakes?!

Ruthie made this adorable blanket for Miles...they're even his colors! And look what else I got...the Skip Hop Owl that I've been drooling over for so long - thanks Beth!!  And of course my shower wouldn't be complete without an elephant. Miles is going to love his soft elephant toy from Grandma G. :)

Today, I'm trying to take it easy as I woke up at 5am with pretty consistent contractions. This was the first time that they were that intense and lasting for over an hour. They simmered down around 6:30am, allowing me to get a little bit more sleep. As I was concentrating on the contractions this morning, I was also concentrating on my HUGE todo list of projects I still need (want) to get done before the baby comes. I still have to finish up packing my hospital bag, make sure baby's diaper bag is all set, clean, clean and clean some more...not to mention making sure Simon is all set for a few days away from us. :( The bassinet still needs to go up and I want to knock out a couple more dinners to put in the freezer. Oi vey. I promised Peter I would take it easy today, so we'll see how much I get done. :-/ It's so very crazy (and amazing) to think that I could be holding my little baby this week. Ah, I can hardly wait.