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Uncluttering my brain: Pregnancy

pregnancy.thoughts.happiness.fears

A lot of my friends are pregnant (especially my MN friends). This makes me want to be pregnant too. Crazy, I know. There's just something about seeing the budding bellies that make me think of my pregnancy 3 years ago and the memories and various joys roll over me like a happy cloud. My sister-in-law, just found out she's having a little baby girl. She's starting to show and is looking quite adorable. I loved my second trimester when I was pregnant: feeling the baby move, my belly growing daily, the new discoveries that I would make as I researched every week of my baby's precious life. I *really* enjoyed being pregnant (please, said friends who are pregnant and going through intense morning sickness...or stretched-to-the-max bellies, don't hit me). ;) Hopefully, I'll be able to join the baby bandwagon soon. Just as I typed that, I started to freak out a little...okay, a lot. Haha.

I've been thinking about what gender our next little one will be. Another little boy who can wear his big brother's hand-me-downs and share in Simon's love for all things boy? A little boy who will look up to his big brother and enjoy being with his daddy as much as Simon does. Another mama's boy? Or a little girl who looks just like me with big brown eyes and dark brown curly hair (which I had when I was little). A little girl who I can dress up and make cute girly things for her to wear in her hair. A little girl for both Peter and Simon to protect, love and adore. Ah, I can imagine intense happiness with either gender.

I'm nervous about having morning sickness this time around. I feel like I was so lucky the last time I was pregnant. I was only moderately sensitive to smells. I never threw up due to morning sickness, never had a problem eating, etc. I had moments of panic, wondering if all was well with my wee little baby due to the lack of sickness (especially knowing that my mom was S.I.C.K with all 7 of us). But everything was perfectly well with my pregnancy. I feel like this next pregnancy will be totally different. I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle being a mommy to an almost 3 year old, watching my 1 year old little niece AND being deathly sick. I guess it's better to plan for the worse, expecting the best... than the other way around...right? Oh boy. There's grace for that.

Such conflicting emotions when one thinks about having kids. It's hard planning a pregnancy too. There are always going to be conflicts that pop up and get in the way of when to conceive - a lot happens in 9 months!: vacations, traveling, weddings, various events, hot and cold seasons, busy bday months, holidays...just to name a few. I feel like we had Simon at a perfect time. I kind of wish God would just surprise us again. I find that there's a freedom when I am unaware of what God's doing in my life...until He reveals it to me (2 pink lines), and then I tend to freak out...and then realize that I can be at peace with His plan, that there's no turning back and there's no one to blame, but Him. ;) Okay, we would be to blame too if we got pregnant - (lol!). But you know what I mean. :P I feel like when I make the decision, even if I'm praying and seeking Him, that I'll mess up, and that it won't be "perfect" like it would be if He just did all the work. It's all in my head, because *if* I am truly seeking Him, then He'll direct and lead me in the way I should go. And I'll admit it, when He decides to totally surprise me, it's often times harder for me, because His ways are not always my ways...and I'm not in control. The truth is, no matter when we get pregnant, it'll be a surprise. It'll be surprise if we get pregnant on the first try and it'll be a surprise if it takes months...never knowing when and where the ball will drop. It's all in God's hands and THAT is comforting.

So, those are the thoughts that are tumbling through my brain when I think about getting pregnant.

Comments

  1. Ahhh, I can't wait until you're pregnant! I want you to be pregnant with me, that would be so much fun! :)

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