Wishing the years away, while holding tightly to the now.

I don't do this often, but there are days, that have me wishing for the baby stage to be done and over with! I know, I know. Years down the road, I will regret these feelings. I will yearn to hold my babies one more time.  I can already envision myself gazing at pictures of my little babies with tears streaming down my face and a wobbly smile on my face, wishing for a sloppy wet baby kiss, or a gaze full of love and innocence naughtiness. Or for one more glimpse of a toddling baby coming at me full force to give me a hug. I know this, and yet, I still can't help but be excited over the many adventures we will have together, as a family of four, once my baby isn't a baby anymore.

I can already see it. Us vacationing up north, going for hikes, maybe even setting up a tent and camping out, if the weather is decent. Road-tripping out West. Going for long bike rides. Eating out at restaurants. Going to see cute PG or G-rated movies. All the things we can't really do now, because we have a ticking-time-bomb baby. Simon was just reaching that stage where we could do more with him, right before Miles was born. 3.5 years is a fun age. We took him out to eat, we even went to the discount theater with him a few times - I never thought kiddie movies could be so much fun! We went on longer walks and let him play at the park without having to hover. We just did more.

And then came Miles. Rambunctious, lovable, full-of-energy, Miles. He turned our world upside down and made us put on the breaks. I wasn't prepared for it, even though we had done it once before with big brother, Simon. Miles yells when he doesn't get his way, whines for attention, walks...nay, runs away whenever he gets the chance and has such a short attention span. Taking him out is usually a quick activity, with us turning blue from holding our breath, hoping he doesn't throw a baby-tantrum, or whine too loudly. I'm sure it's just a stage. But it's been a long stage and I'm so ready for a time where we can go out on family adventures that last longer than 20 minutes.

A couple of weeks ago, we took the boys over to Como Lakeside Pavilion. They have local orchestral bands that play there during the summer months. I had just been there with a friend a few nights before, and so I knew that it was not only fun and different, but family friendly. We decided to give it a try as the weather was unseasonably cool and comfortable and the prospect of being outside with my little family sounded nice. We arrived just before they started. We sat down near the back, off to the side (family safeville) and settled in for a fun night. Peter had retrieved Miles from the stroller and was holding him as the music started playing, "Pop Goes the Weasel". I glanced over and there he was, all snuggled up to his daddy, almost glaring. He looked so comfortable, but his face was another story. He was clearly nervous. He sat there for 10 whole minutes with hardly any expression on his face. I took quite a few pictures of him, because he was cracking me up. Where was the feisty little guy that could only sit still for 5 seconds?

                                                         

I finally couldn't deal with the cuteness any longer and reached out for him. He came willingly and snuggled in for another 5 minutes. My mamma's heart filled with gratitude for the special gift of snuggling with my 16 month old.

The spell was broken when Peter and Simon went off to find Ice Cream. But he stood contentedly, holding on to the chair in front of me, bopping to the music and woofing like a dog anytime he saw a puppy. The boys came back a few minutes later with ice cream, and the rest is a messy, sugary history. We left during the intermission, happy, sticky people. It's nights like these where I'm okay with putting the breaks on and just enjoying the now. The future will come soon enough with fun adventures of their own.

To my firstborn, on your fifth birthday...

Dear Simon,
It's 11:37pm (CST) on a stormy and muggy August 6th Tuesday evening, and you're officially five years old. Half a decade. You're growing up so fast. I have tears brimming in my eyes, threatening to spill down my face just thinking about you as a baby and now as a big boy. Happy tears, mind you. I remember with clarity (with some fogginess thrown in) the day you were born. I was in so much pain and yet I couldn't wait to see you. I couldn't wait to hold you for the first time. I hadn't held a baby in so long and I found myself wondering if I would be good at it. If I would be a good mother. Would you like me? Would I be able to comfort you when you cried. Would you love me? After hours of hard labor and pushing, you were placed in my arms for the first time. You barely made a sound. Your eyes were open though and you were staring at me. Your Grandma swears that you smiled at me just minutes after you were born. I remember so clearly your big murky eyes staring at me, with a look of love and contentment in them. You were such an easy baby and I remember getting excited when you would cry after we brought you home, because 1) you rarely cried and 2) you had such a cute baby cry. This excitement did not last long. ;)

You've been my favorite blonde-haired, blue/green-eyed little buddy. You don't play favorites when it comes to your dad and me. You love us the same and enjoy doing various activities with both of us. Really, anyone who's up for playing with you is your best friend, no matter their age, size, color or gender. I love that about you. You are a lover of people and only see the good in them. Your heart is HUGE and you enjoy making people laugh and happy. If people are sad or acting up, you notice and you become discouraged and confused.

You've grown so much since your little brother came into the world. You've learned to share, care and love in ways that only a sibling could teach. You adore your baby brother, and he adores you too. I enjoy watching the two of you interact together and my momma's heart oftentimes overflows with gratitude for the bond that you two share. Nobody can make you laugh like Miles and nobody can make Miles laugh like you. I think that's special.

I've never met a kid like you before. You're active, rambunctious, caring, obedient, considerate, gentle and a bundle of adorable weirdness. You make me laugh like no other. Your jokes are way lame, but the laughter that ensues after you tell them makes up for the lameness.

So much has changed since you came into this world. When you were first born, you were our everything. You were the first grandchild on both sides, you were the first baby in my life since my little sister was born, back in 2000. You brightened up so many people's lives by your presence. Since then, you've been joined by 3 girl-cousins, a baby brother, and two more (boy!) cousins on the way! You are no longer the only grandchild/child. And yet, you will forever hold a special place in my heart as my firstborn. You have a lot of responsibility being the oldest in the family of cousins and in your own family. And yet, you show love to the younger ones and enjoy playing with them whenever you get the chance. You have been a wonderful example of gentleness, kindness and love (with a touch of bossiness thrown in). Oh, and a little bit of that adorable-weirdness too. ;)

I'm honored that you want to marry me. Thrilled that you want to be big like daddy, happy that you enjoy being around both sides of our family. In awe of how you watch out for your little brother. Slightly embarrassed that you can beat both daddy and me at Wii bowling. I love a good challenge. I admire the fact that you can can navigate around town already (you like to tell daddy where to turn if we're going somewhere exciting - like the library), as well as navigating the TV, DVD player, Wii, tablet, iPhones and pretty much any electronic device that's put in front of you or in your lap.

You potty-trained so well (except for the pooping part - that was a hard thing to master - pun intended). Potty-training was one of the things I was dreading as a mother. But, after a rough first few days, you surprised me by taking off with it. I can count on one hand the accidents you've had since that Fall of 2011. And you've NEVER peed in your bed (I will forever sing your praises about that - I seriously was not looking forward to the middle-of-the-night changing of bedding, or you waking up stinky. THANK YOU SIMON!).

You're learning to read and it's fascinating seeing how you can sound out letters and create a word that only a few seconds ago you didn't know. Your mind is a great big sponge and I look forward to the days ahead where you can read stories to your little brother. I hope you like books as much as I did growing up.

Our dinner conversations are a highlight of the day for me. You are always coming up with funny things to say and funny stories to tell your dad at the dinner table.  No matter the time of day you're always coming up with something funny to say.  I've started keeping track of them on my phone and It's always a fun time re-reading them.

Me: Simon, don't lick your hands - wash them in the sink. 
Simon: But, but, but!
Me: Simon, no buts.
Simon: I'm not talking about my back butt!

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
Simon: A daddy.

Simon: Hey mom, I think I want 15 children.
Me: 15?! When you're married?
Simon: Yes.
Me: What's your wife going to say about that?
Simon: Um, that's weird.
Me. Who's your wife going to be?
Simon: Um....you.

Peter: I love my wife.
Simon: I love my wife too.
Me: What's your wife's name?
Simon: Mom

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Simon: Um, let me think. Um...I want to be like daddy. I can go poop every single day.

Me: How are your beans?
Simon: Not perfect. I don't like beans.

Simon: Simon going to get bigger, bigger, bigger! Poop on the potty and sleep in mommy and daddy's bed.

Simon: Mmm, bacon really good!
Me: Do you like your carrots too?
Simon: I like bacon, Mario Kart and candy.

Simon: Is heaven up in the sky?
Me: Um, well...hmm...sure.
Simon: Oh. I don't like flying. Is Jesus going to be careful when He comes to get us? (yep, he's afraid of heights).

You are such a boy. You make a disgusted face when you see two people kissing, or when somebody mentions princesses. You are all about Superheros, and Batman and Star Wars. You love ACTION - fight scenes in movies are your favorite - before we know it, you're off of the couch fighting alongside the TV beating up all the bad guys (the 1966 Batman movie is one of your faves!).  While you do like action scenes, you're a little squeamish when it comes to blood and suffering. You don't watch shows that involve blood or intense violence, but you do read about it in watered-down stories in your little bible, and it makes you sad. This past Easter was a hard time for you and yet I saw so much growth. You have such a tender heart. On Sunday you had a hard time with communion as the pastor was talking about Jesus' body breaking. You didn't like that at all. It's hard trying to explain the Lord's suffering to you, and yet it's such a joy when you ask deep and personable questions about Jesus, and what it means to become a follower of Him. You're excited about heaven and I'm excited that you get to live there for eternity.

I could write so much more and post a thousand more pictures, but for now, I'll sign off. I love you so much, my little Simonbaby. My Si-Si. My firstborn boy, My Si.  Happy Birthday, Simon James.