Monday, October 17, 2011

I'm Still Yours.

I've prided myself with not being overly emotional during this pregnancy. I'm really not an emotional person to begin with, so whenever I get pregnant (this is only my second time), I always hold my breath and hope that it doesn't change me into a completely different person. So far, it hasn't. I have had my moments of enormous amounts of crying, for example: when my dear friends moved away a couple of weeks ago...or when my tooth was bothering me - but I think I would have cried pregnant or not.

Saturday night, I was extra emotional. My friend lost her baby at full term just over a week ago. I cried then, but really cried this weekend when I watched her tribute video to her beautiful son. He was born with no heartbeat. The pictures and the song (Held) were just too much for my pregnant or human self to take. By the end of the video I was literally sobbing. I wonder if it would have effected me as much if I hadn't been carrying my own unborn baby. I think it would have...but because I am pregnant, I think it might have hit home just a little bit harder. Since experiencing that emotional moment on Saturday, I've been more sensitive. The tears welled up in my eyes a few times during the worship service yesterday morning (not to mention when I dropped my 3-year-old son off at the church's preschool classroom for the first time - he's growing up so fast!).  

I've had Kutless' song I'm Still Yours in my head for the past couple of days now. It's a song about loss...and about ones faithfulness to the One who gives and takes away. 

...when there's nothing left to steal me away, will my broken heart still sing? If I lost it all, would my hands stay lifted to the God who gives and takes away. If you take it all, this life you've given, still my heart will sing to you.

The song ends with I'm still Yours. 

I hope and pray that if I'm ever in any difficult situation of the Lord taking something precious away from me, that I would still be able to lift my hands and sing to Him.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

October Pain.


It hardly feels possible that it's October already. The weather is fooling me, as we've had Summer-like weather for the past couple of weeks. You won't hear me complaining, as I know we have a long cold Winter ahead of us.

To be completely honest, the first 11 days of October have been pretty miserable (with a few happy times thrown in, that only brought relief and hope). October 1st was the first day of 11 (and counting) days of tooth pain. That first weekend of October (1st and 2nd) the pain was so great that I called my dentist first thing Monday morning to see if there was any way I could get in. Thankfully, they were able to squeeze me in an hour later. My worst fears came true as they examined the tooth and concluded that it needed a root canal. They gave me a couple of options. One, I could get a partial root canal done, which would most likely relieve the pain and then come in a couple of days later to get the rest of it done, or live with the excruciating toothache for a couple more days. I opted for option number one. It was so nice to get numbed up (I normally hate the puffy-numb feeling of Novocaine, but not so this time). I loved no longer feeling the sharp piercing pain of my tooth. They worked on the tooth and sent me on my way. After talking to my dentist I decided that I could wait until next Monday to get the rest of the tooth taken care of (thinking that the pain of the toothache would be greatly reduced thanks to part 1 of the root canal procedure...and I didn't think Peter could take off any more time that week from work). I left with my hopes soaring that I would no longer be in excruciating pain. Not so. The Novocaine wore off and I gradually made it back up to the horrendous sharp/throbbing pain that I had experienced before I went in. I called my dentist and she said to give it some more time but to keep an eye on it. That night was terrible. The following day (Tuesday) wasn't much better. My Tylenol (the only pain medication that is safe to take while pregnant) was no longer working. So I was basically going through unimaginable pain with no pain medication relief. I had a prenatal appointment that day, so I asked my midwife is she could put me on something stronger. She prescribed Tylenol with Codeine #3. It helped a little...but left  me feeling buzzed and weird. That night, I was up quite a bit. Nothing seemed to help. I called the dentist the next day (Wednesday) telling her about my pain and the swelling that had started and she had me come in a couple of hours later. After examining the tooth she determined that it was infected and after taking a picture (two aprons over my pregnant belly...just in case) they noticed that there was still a piece of nerve that they hadn't gotten the first time (since they hadn't taken a picture due to me being pregnant). They fixed both problems, wrote out a prescription for Penicillin and I was on my way. I went home, put Simon down for a nap and rested for a couple of hours. The Novocaine wore off and I was hardly in any pain. unfortunately, I swelled up quite a bit. But no more sharp/throbbing pain of the tooth. The only discomfort was an intense bruised-like sensation on my cheek due to the swelling. Each day got better. We even went to Duluth on Saturday. Monday, I went back in for the last part of the root canal. Such pain and discomfort. My poor mouth had been worked on so much that the gums and tissue were so sensitive that even the Novocaine couldn't cover all the pain (in fact the Novocaine shot, was one of the most painful parts of the whole morning - oh, how I hate needles!). I felt so bad for the baby. Every time I would be in pain, I would naturally tense up or hold my breath and the baby would kick me hard, letting me know that he/she was still there. It was a good reminder to breathe and relax (easier said than done). The baby could definitely sense my discomfort. When the procedure was over, I felt like my jaw had been broken, so much pressure and discomfort. I got home, grabbed my pillow and laid down on the couch while Simon watched his PBS shows. Such a good little boy he was, letting me doze on the couch...he even snuggled with me for a bit. Today (Tuesday), I'm still quite tender in the mouth and the tooth itself is quite sensitive. There's only a tiny bit of swelling that I'm dealing with, but other than that I can't really complain. I'm just ever so glad that I'm no longer in agony. I don't ever wish that kind of pain on anyone. These past 11 days have been the longest and hardest days of my life. I've never been in so much pain for such an extended period of time. I would gladly go through labor (even back labor again) than experience anything like this. Seriously, it was that bad.

I'm so grateful to all of my friends and family members that prayed and encouraged me though this tough time. My husband especially was quite amazing (giving up his birthday to nurse me and watch our son as I went in for an unexpected root canal). Simon was also extra kind and sensitive through this whole thing. There was one morning where I just couldn't take the pain anymore and lost it. I started crying. Simon looked up at me and said "mommy sad?" He then started to pretend cry. I composed myself and dried my tears and he got soooo happy and started clapping his hands and jumping up and down in excitement. "Mommy happy, oh yay!!". The snuggle time on the couch when I could do nothing else but lay down were sweet and the tender kisses were extra precious. Also, a big shout out to my amazing Dentist and her dental assistant. Dr. R was ever so kind and caring...and very supportive. She even called me on Friday to check up on me before the weekend. She never made me feel bad for calling and asking questions. I will definitely keep going back to her in the future. And even though I felt like God was far, far away during those first few days, I sensed Him ...and like any other difficult time, I searched for Him and found Him in a sweet way. Even though I hope I NEVER have to go through something like this again, I'm grateful for His goodness and mercy and His steadfast love. It reminded me that I need to continually seek His face...not just when the going gets tough.

I know this was a long and probably boring post, but I wanted to document it for my own sake. If you read through the whole post, kudos to you. You are a faithful reader. ;)

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